Thank you all. Took the weekend off from the Internets as much as possible to sleep and absorb the unreal experience of not having my Kramer with me after over 15 years of being with him, like losing an arm or something.
I had to go to Albany for a conference-I left Wednesday, with three of the pack boarding at the vet office, and my mom taking care of the rest. I called in often to see how he was doing and all was well. My car broke down when I got to Albany, and on Thursday morning I had it towed to be fixed. Thursday Kramer ate like a piggy and I was thinking he was really having a great upswing. My car got finished on Friday and I had made arrangements to pick it up so I could head home and see my boy. The conference ended at 4 pm and my mom called seconds later. He had cried out and was laying down, could not get up, would not take food-even ginger snaps-or water.
I called the vet office and my mom went over-and I went to get my car from the place in Troy. His hematocrit was down to 15 (low normal on that machine is 37) from 25.8 on Tuesday, and 22 the first time the tumor bled. So I realized that the tumor was opening, and he was bleeding out. I guess it was a giant and active tumor-from the ultrasound-I never asked to see the picture and we never really talked about the findings because I didn't want to know the reality so that when he was doing well, I wouldn't be thinking about that so much.
So we made the plan that they would all stay with him-the vet, tech, and my mom until I could get there from Albany. If he was in any pain or discomfort, they would let him go for me. If he could wait, we would wait until I got there. It is a 4.5-5 hour drive normally. I got there right at 9 and he was sleeping and so weak. I had momentary thoughts of taking him home, trying to keep him going, but realized that would be for a.) me and b.) listening to Kramer's most stubborn mind-but not his failing body. He did give me a look and after I'd spent some time with him, I decided to let him go.
I pick up his ashes today at 3:00. I am going to bring Mikko and Nina's and ask that they take out a little from each, and mix a little of his, and put them in a St. Francis urn, so that the pack will always be together.
A Kramer sized hole in my heart is exactly it.
Thank you all so much for understanding.
A week or so ago at the vet office-waiting to get a treat with his special little one, Mariele, at his side: